Heart ache and new beginnings.

So after a highly emotional and stressful day I feel pretty good again. Brandi, my ex and the one who sparked most of this for me, has decided she is the kind of person that likes to be in relationships, however, just not with me. Instead she has chosen the path of fucking a coworker, who is also in a superior position, destined to fail, destined to cause her pain. I’ve also come to the realization that maybe her and I aren’t good for each other. I enjoy a planned out time and she likes to live with her head in the clouds and just cruise through life blindly. A good mix of this is always welcomed, but when someone spends their entire life in the clouds it’s pretty hard to deal with.

I had made the mistake of trying to tell her what to do instead of letting her figure it out. As anyone that isn’t me would know this doesn’t work, the result, she doesn’t want to hang out with me any more. I had also asked about sex as friends and she said no, because of Sean, which is totally fine! But when he found out we were hanging out he got all pouty like a little fucking bitch and guilted her into not hanging out with me. He said it makes him crazy that she hangs out with me, well fuck you buddy cause all this has put more suicidal thoughts in my head than anything I’ve been through. Nothing I would act on, but just the thoughts alone are hard simply because I have a very vivid imagination and when the thoughts enter they also come with a film reel of me acting it out in my head. She said she cares about me greatly, I don’t believe it.

Part of what has made it so frustrating has been the fact that I know exactly what kind of person this guy is and he is most definitely going to hurt the sweetest person on the planet. With her trusting heart and naivety she has been sucked in to a new world of baristas and bad decisions.

But now on to new beginnings, tonight I have a date planned with a really nice girl, her name is Katie and she is a Gemini, which is supposedly very comparable with my Aries heart. Not that I am looking into jumping in to anything but it will be nice to see how the stars play this one out.

A couple nights back I hung out with my friend Valerie, this was also exciting as she is into some cool spiritual things I’ve not been aware of. She did a number reading based off my name and birthdate, it was surprisingly accurate and really entertaining. Now in return I showed her how to do her natal chart which she appreciated quite a bit!

Yesterday was a great day down in Ocean Beach with my friend David aka Finn. We arrived and found that the farmers market was happening, I always seem to catch this thing and I’m always glad I did. So much good food with all kinds of treats and trinkets mixed in. As we walked around trying to decide what we were going to indulge in we came across a fruit stand with the most beautiful strawberries I’ve probably ever seen. We picked up a basket of strawberries as well as a container of raspberries to much on while we explored. Ocean Beach has a really eclectic mix of people who reside and travel through there. Sometimes you feel like you are on an island of pirates who retired from pirating to settle down on this little peninsula. You have artists, hippies, punks, stoners, tripper, homeless, travelers, and free spirits. I have never had a unpleasant experience while exploring OB. After some people watching we were lured in by boba drinks and ginger chicken wi rice and Thai curry sauce on top. We got our food and took it to the wall for eating. The wall is a divider that separates the beach from the board walk, and usually on the wall you’ll find a mix of people playing music, selling drugs, and just enjoying the sights and sunsets.
Below is an image from the wall.


After we ate we took off to explore the rocks and tide pools on the short walk from the wall to the spot we were offered weed twice, but we had out own, smelled good though! The tide pools offered up a lot of interesting things, little fish, crabs, sea snails, mussels and sea anemones. The rocks are covered in people’s names, hearts, and other carvings. Finn and I started debating how many of those couples were still together, I said I hoped none of them were because I was in a shitty mood. In reality I hope they are all happy, I just am put off by happy couples right now. As we walked the waves were crashing and shooting water spouts up into the air when they hit the rocks.
Here I am staring into the ocean as some waves crash.


We also came across this girl who’s name I can not recall.. But she was praying and meditating with the help of this bowl that she ran a wand around to cause it to sing. The sound drew me in and as soon as she wasn’t meditating any longer I went to ask about it and where to find one. Apparently you can get them many places, but if you want a specific sound you need to bring a tuning fork. Once I find one I’ll post about it, but she taught me how to use it and it was quite relaxing which is great because it’s made to relieve stress. On our way back from this we walked through the farmers market once again and this time on the way through some art caught my eyes. There was a gentleman named Dillon there selling his art, pieces of sacred geometry. This was really exciting as I have been waiting to get more information on these symbols as I have started creating them as well. His were perfect though, I could tell through what he said and the quality of his art that he know what he was talking about. So I asked where I could find more information and he gave me a couple people to look up, Drunvalo Melchizedek and Robert Lawlor. I am excited to see what new things I pick up from these two.

Today is going to consist of making a run to the mineral shop to get a hold of some things I’ve been waiting for. Going to play some guitar for sure, and I have my date tonight! Today should be a fun day. Today ill leave you off with a shot I got of Finn with the sunset. Off for more journeys!



Four and a half years…

So after an amazing four and and a half years of enjoying one another, growing together, learning together, fighting together, loving together, and most of all becoming best friends. Which was followed by the most painful breakup I have ever been through, I have lost that best friend. We had broken up and everything was fine until I realized that everything I thought I wanted, meeting new people, random encounters, hookups, all the single life bullshit. Once this happened I came rushing back full force! I wanted her back SO badly that I tried to force it to happen which in turn pushed her further away because I was acting crazy. In doing this she got closer with her new man, which made me go crazier trying and pushing, which resulted in us not hanging out at all. During this time they grew close, and they are now with one another, as a result of my actions. Now, we can’t even hang out as friends, he won, he got her.

Looking back I am sure that if I would have just played it smooth and kept my cool that things would probably have turned out quite different, sadly that wasn’t the case. And now once again I have to live with the consequences of my actions and accept the loss of the greatest thing I’ve ever had. She has set the bar pretty high for the next one, the shoes are going to be quite hard to fill. The major lesson I get out if this is to not force anything, let thing occur naturally, if I had I feel I would be writing a very different blog post right now.

The only person she gets advice from are people that barely know me, and obviously one of them likes her outside the lines of friendship, so anything he’s said was completely one sided.

This is a little part of my life that helped to spark the van lifestyle, so there you have it, my favorite part of life so far has been these past four years. I had everything I wanted right in front of my face and I pushed it away all by myself, I can’t believe she put up with me for so long. I can only hope now that one day something shift in the world and the universe allows me a second chance with her, till then, time to fill the hole with temporary happiness.

Sorry this one isn’t van related, but I needed to let this out somewhere.

Next post will be much more adventurous!

Starting a new life…

I found myself sitting in my friend Daniel’s car after work as we cruised down the freeway towards downtown San Diego. The destination ahead was the airport, and at the airport was my new home. After I had spent the last 4 years working to support myself and my now ex-girlfriend, combined with me becoming nearly suicidal during the breakup, I needed something new. The place I was living was where we had lived together, and even just going back into the house causes a massive rush of sadness as memories play back through my mind. She had left me after almost two years of me being in a major depressed state and not being their emotionally for her. This got to a point where she couldn’t take it any more, and I thought that I wanted to be single for freedom. At first the idea of being single was great, I was enjoying myself and right away started with new experiences.

However, after the first few weeks of newness wore off I found myself crawling like a sick dog back to here to try and work things out. She welcomed this at first, but eventually it came out that she just wanted to be my friend because she was now seeing a coworker, I felt as if someone took my heart out of my chest, leaving it connected so I would stay alive long enough to watch them eat it as it pumped its final beat. This then lead to me acting without much thinking due to being extremely emotional. Luckily the last thing she left me with was a YouTube series called
Spirit Science which I recommend everyone watches. It introduced me to new ways of thinking about, and approaching the spirit world. Armed with this I was able to battle through my sorry emotional state and keep the dark thoughts far enough away to keep me from doing anything terrible. With this came a new form of artistic expression for myself which is often referred to as “Sacred Geometry”, which has apparently been around since the dawn of man and is a universal language. I’m still learning more, but it has allowed me to have a distraction from my thoughts. With this I have also finally motivated myself to pick up playing music, first with a bass guitar, next is an acoustic guitar.

So now I have a new outlook on life, spirit, and my own being. I have hobbies that I am finally excited about, the only thing I’m missing is a creative space to just be alone, learn music, and create art. I can’t go back to my old place as it is filled with to many memories, and I also don’t want room mates. This left me with only one idea, quit my job and leave town to start somewhere new! My job has taken away my freedom, the environment lead me to believe that I needed more than what I had, and it’s very stressful at times. Well, I’m glad I didn’t do that as my coworkers, when I finally opened up about all of my sadness, were my biggest support network.

They took care of me emotionally, set things up when I was depressed to help cheer me up, offered me places to stay since I was pretty much living out of my car, it has been an incredible help. So finally it had hit a month since I had gone home, and I had been couch hopping out of my car. Then it hit me while taking a piss after I had been talking to my friend about my life and the future. My coworker is selling a van, a big family van, which could easily be turned into a mobile living and creative space. On top of that, my job has been my saving grace, I make great money, and this job affords me so many opportunities.

That’s it then, I’m going to buy the van, make it a living space, and live in it till I can’t handle it any longer. My goals are to become proficient enough with guitar and bass to then record my own music to use for an EP I want to make while living out of the van. I want to explore the world, do some traveling, I don’t want to be tied down by bills, rent, or a car payment. Living this way would cut those things to such a minimum that I would a very minimal amount of expenses. I can wake up at the beach one morning, and fall asleep in the forest. I can be right outside work to wake up for that early shift, and have a cool place to spend my breaks, my home.

We were exiting the freeway now, and on the road to the airport. Inside of me the nervousness of starting something so new and different was wearing off as excitement grew in its place. We entered the parking lot of the airport where the van had been left for me, and there it was! A 1993 Chevy G20 Mark III. Big windows, tons of room, and I already have so many ideas for making it more of a home.


I get in and I start her up, here we go! First stop, Daniel’s for the first bowl to be had in the van! So I follow him over and he tells me I can park in the parking garage, great! As I pull up I see that the clearance is 6’4″, good, this should be fine! Then I slowly pull in to the garage, and I hear no scrapes or anything until.. I forgot to mention there was a bike rack on top. Suddenly I hear this terrifying scraping sound of metal on plastic and think to myself, “oh, it’s probably barely scraping.” Onward I go into the garage only to hear a loud crash as the forgotten bike rack fell to the cement. It was only held on by so,e clips and wasn’t bolted in, so I think I can reattach it!

The way out of the garage was a different story because, what I didn’t consider on the way in was the steep incline leading to the garage entrance. Pulling out I roll forward very slowly, and as the front of the van starts down the incline, the back starts to rise up and once again… The terrible scratching sound. Sadly this time it was the roof. In such a rush, I pulled out in front of a car who wasn’t even that close, and of course he starts honking. Clearing traffic, I pulled in to the nearest gas station to inspect the damage to the roof only to find a break light hanging by its wiring from the roof, which I think I can fix easily, and that it was just a minor scrape, no missing paint.

I hopped back in, as I sat back down I really noticed how comfortable the seat was, very cushiony. The whole damn thing was comfortable! I can’t wait to get a nice home type feeling inside of the place, and I really can’t wait to share it with my friends. A new story is about to be written and scribed to the web for all to see!

But for tonight I am going to reset and enjoy the company of a friend named Tony.