It came creeping back up.

It came back, something I haven’t felt I quite some time. Today I woke up with that familiar tickle and sick feeling in my stomach that I used to get when I was anxious about something. It’s been six and a half months since Brandi left me and I have been feeling worse everyday leading up to now. Some days I wake up and I think I’m ok, but as soon as something that reminds me of her presents itself I lose my shit. I don’t have any clue what to do to free myself from these feelings, and getting her back seems to be out of the question as she is now in the arms of another. She says “this happened for a reason”, and I really hope that reason presents itself soon because I’ve been waiting for what seems like an eternity.

I think I need to leave San Diego.

I feel like I am drowning.

I am have a lot of trouble getting my first love, and most recent breakup, out of my mind. I have been filtering through my thoughts trying to keep my memories at bay, yet they seem to creep up on my at the least expected times. Once the memory gate opens the emotions and regrets start flooding in with the power of a massive body of water. I try to collect them and turn them in to songs, but I am not too great at writing. Today I decided to post one publicly and share it with the world. This is an untitled set of lyrics that I have yet to decided how they will be used. I am open to constructive feed back and criticism, just be kind please?

I have been drowning in this ocean of regrets for far too long.
Stuck missing someone like I never have before.
My hand is up trying to signal for help with none in sight.
Just need your loving face to walk back through my door.
I tread the water with all I’ve got but the sea is overcoming.
The skies above have turned grey, ready to pour.
I don’t have it in me to keep myself afloat with all this weight.
This ocean of memories is starting to drown, pulling me to the floor.
I don’t know how long I can swim before the tide pulls me under.
I need you to lift me up from this storm, take my hand an help me soar.
With just your beautiful smile my whole world returns to light.

Maybe this will be the first one to be turned into a song. The person this is about knows who they are.

Back to the blog and Fools day adventure!

So here I am, almost a month from my last post to my blog with so many stories built up that I might have to just let them trickle through as I pick back up on writing here once again. My friends have been harassing me about not writing to which I have been replying “I just haven’t had time.” While this is mostly true, there are other factors involved, things such as me not wanting to write in my van at night in fear of someone seeing the light of my iPad coming through which could prompt an unwelcome interaction or police involvement. While I have found that I can block the light pretty well, it’s just not worth it to run the risk. So I have vowed to myself that I will write to the blog at least once a week from this day forward, but will do so during the day.

Now that I’ve got that explanation out of the way I am going to continue with today! Today is April fools day and also the birthday of two very special robots that I have known for a few years now. They are two peaceful creatures who only get upset when either of their electronic devices break, or when there is no oil to be found. These guys are a creation of my friend Tyler, and to celebrate their birthday today we dressed up in them and took them to an Apple Store to get a giant cardboard iPhone fixed. So Tyler made an appointment for Sparky to bring his device in, and Dr. Moo came along for moral support! The humans were kind to the robots today and we did not run in to any trouble, even mall security was ok with it for a change, which we decided is due to the new mall management cutting their pay and taking away their golf-carts.

While ordering food at Subway I looked behind me and saw a woman waiting to order. She was wearing a business lady suit type outfit and I could tell she was on a lunch break, so I offered to let her ahead of me. She told me she had plenty of time but appreciated the offer, we talked a little about work and breaks, and then I told her about the adventure with Sparky and Dr. Moo today, which she thought was great on many levels and sparked a conversation about how complacent and boring people are today, and how afraid they are of things they don’t understand. At the end of all of this she left saying “have fun making people’s days better!” This made me feel really good because I think she was having a bad day, and sometimes it just takes the kind words of a stranger to turn things around.

Dr. Moo(left), Sparky(right).

I’ve also turned 31, that happened on March 25th. I was given a few awesome gifts, and a lot of good company from some people I don’t get to hang out with as often as I’d like. My friend Russell and his girlfriend Julia gave me some really colorful tie-dye tapestries which have been great, and beautiful, privacy shades. The tapestries will most likely be hanging on the outside of my van at our camping spot for Coachella, should be easy to spot. Russell also gave me a guitar case to use with my acoustic, which I have been learning quite a bit on, as well as building up finger movement and strength. Brandi, the ex I reference, got me some gifts too, a small gnome shaped candle and a pair of thrift store boots that I haven’t received yet, as well as a hand made wooden flute. Dealing with her has still been very hard and extremely emotional for me, so recently I had to tell hero couldn’t talk to her for a while, most likely till after Coachella so my head can be clear of crap at the event. I still care about her greatly and have been sad to see her dropping all her interests and hobbies to get in to this lifestyle where she isn’t doing anything productive anymore because all she does now is spend time with her rebound boyfriend who doesn’t like to do anything, and since she reflects who she is with she is now doing nothing. She’s extremely talented and it’s going to waste, I just hope to see her wake up an get back into it, not even to get back with me, but just for herself. The last gift received was created by someone who day after day is becoming one of my favorite people, even with her living not so close… And by not close I mean almost 2000 miles away. Bethany from Minnesota wanted to make me something nice, and went off of what she knows about me to create an amazing art piece. It is a portrait that is half my face, and half the face of a wolf, which are my absolute favorite animal, my spirit animal(self proclaimed). This left me starting to plan a road trip to Minnesota, because I don’t want to wait for her to come to San Diego if I can help it!

Here are the tapestries.

The gnome from Brandi.

And this is the piece from Bethany.

Van life has been great up to current, and I have been sleeping in it every night since my last post, so about a month now! I am still dealing with keeping the inside organized and haven’t had the extra money to get drawers or anything to help with that with Coachella coming up. So after Coachella I will be focusing in making the van even more livable than it already is. I find myself sleeping by the coast most nights, but when I am at a friends house late, when its time to go, I just sleep outside their place in my place!

That’s it for this post, till next time!

A few good days and a lady from Minneapolis.

The last few days have been packed full of good things. First off my good friend Tony has been really working hard to lose weight, and I have been wanting to get in shape in general as well as needing a regular place to shower. So Tony and I got memberships at this place called Planet Fitness and started going there. My focus is my heart and my core while Tony’s goals are endurance and weight loss. This is good because we will keep each other going, as well as having a ton of friends that go there as well, ahem, JOEL. This will allow me to wake up with a shower and a massage every day if I want to which is great, and the showers are private so it’s not like a big steamy room of wet naked men, some people might enjoy that and I can respect that, however I am not one of them.

I got a really cool van warming gift from my friend Valerie who is turning out to be a lot of fun to hang out with. She got me this holographic art piece that contains many symbols of all the crazy shit I’m into, sacred geometry, temples and pyramids, UFOs, and much more! Now I’m just figuring out where to keep it inside the van, I’m thinking the small window next to the side door. Here is a photo of the piece!

Yesterday Valerie and I went hiking around a few areas, one sacred Indian waterfall hidden behind the Kohls in Oceanside which was absolutely beautiful, and hidden, she said she has sunbathed nude there which instantly left me trying to picture that. I couldn’t imagine hiking down there and finding an attractive nude female just laying out, I don’t even know how I’d react to that other than to be turned on and escape before I felt embarrassed. We explored around here for a bit and gathered some wild succulents for her to plant at home, drank a little and just hung out, it was really quite nice. Anyways, after that we went up to the top of Calavera Mountain in Carlsbad which not only offered up a spectacular view, but also had some really interesting rock formations that people had set up, a maze, a heart, lots of initials, and off in the distance someone had even cut “PROM?” into the grass to ask a date in an extremely romantic way, I’m sure most of the other girls boyfriends were pissed at this dude. When we got the the top the sun was about an hour from setting so we had a beer and a bowl and waited, sadly clouds came rolling in and caused it to become quite cold up there, also blocking the sunset, so we made our way back down and had to go through the rock maze since it was still light out. We made our way through the maze and to the center where we arrived feeling dizzy and laughing. We then had to go back up of course! Later on I gave her a reading with the oracle deck to which she responded very well. She told me it was incredibly insightful to where she is at in her life and where she would like to be. She also told me that the fact that my readings with these are so accurate for people means that the cards are in the right hands. I also attribute it to the person receiving the reading being receptive to it as well.

The van has been turning in to quite a home but sleeping in it is uncomfortable for the time being until I can get a mattress topper for the bed. It is a folded down bench seat with quite an uneven lumpy surface, which even covered with blankets, is still leaving my back and neck sore. However the reward of roaming free and waking up wherever I please is very much worth it, and ill be able to get a mattress topper with my check next week. My friend Tyler also wanted me to mention that my turn signal still is not working. My friend Roger seems to think it is the signal relay and is down to help me fix it, but I’ll need to find the part first. It will be fun to learn how to fix the van myself and to pick up a new mechanical skill. I also found my tapestry, which if I hang and block off the cabin will make drinking in the back legal! The beach is going to be fun this summer…

The night I took Katie around and did her card reading I went to get gas and when I got back in and started the car the ignition stuck and just kept turning! So, in an effort to look like I knew what was up I jumped out and lifted the hood as if I had any idea what to do. Meanwhile the ignition is still trying to turn and is extremely loud as well. I stood, staring into the engine and at the wires trying to see how I could pull the power and stop it. Then I had a better idea, just ask the gas station guy! I ran over go him and explained I wasn’t trying to profile him in that just because he worked there I assumed he knew cars but asked for advice, I always have to explain myself. He told me it sounded like the starter and to jump in and jiggle the keys. Really? That’s it? So I run back and jiggle the keys and all is quiet again! Engine just rumbling with all it’s V8 power, sounding nice. There are just a few things to fix, but it will be part of the adventure!

I’ve recently started talking with this girl who has really caught my attention. We connected through Instagram through a common interest in the painter Alphonse Mucha, whom which she got a piece of his tattooed on her arm. She seems to think that I am quite incredible and says a lot of very nice things to me, and in turn I find her quite intriguing and incredibly attractive. She says I fit her ideal mold in a man, and from what I can see about her I would say she’s my ideal mold of a woman. Tall with long dark hair and blue/green eyes, sharp features and an amazing body. She loves what I’m doing with my life and is very interested in what I have to say. I think she is an amazing artist and has shown me some things she has created that are absolutely breathtaking. There is only one problem, she lives in Minneapolis. So we enjoy talking through texts and chats, as well as talking about the things we will do together when she comes to visit in June. We’ve planned out many things to do between the two of us and it is something really exciting to look forward to. Who knows where that will go but if its meant to be anything, then that’s the way it will go. If not, at least is a really entertaining thought!

That’s all I’ve got for now, and I have work tomorrow. Till next time!

Meeting new people.

Today I woke up with a fresh feeling, my mind is much less cluttered with shit, and the world looks fresh again. The veil of loneliness is lifting from in front of my face and I am opening myself back up to the world! Time to spread my thoughts and ideas through music, writing, and human interactions. When I discuss my outlook on the world and people with others I feel like they tend to hang on my every word.

So far meeting new people to enjoy the company of has not been a problem. Everyone I come across seems to be very enthusiastic about what I am doing and they tend to offer up a lot of support. Yesterday for instance I went to the mineral shop to pick up a gift for a good friend, his birthday was a little while back and I couldn’t afford it at the time. His spirit animal is the mighty polar bear and when I was in the shop a few days back I had seen this marble hand carved polar bear on top of a crystal made of quartz and amethyst, with a small jade fish in its mouth.

I left the shop with my goods after a very long venting session to the very kind shop keeper, who’s name is Wendy, about what I’m going through and what I’ve been writing about here. As I neared my vehicle I realized I had forgotten to get the cards that have the different stones descriptions of what they do for you and all that. So I put the stuff in my car and went back to the shop to grab the cards. When I got back to the shop there was this woman in there who I had seen around the area before, she has a tattoo on her forehead and lives out of an RV. As I approached Wendy to ask about the cards she introduced me to the woman who’s name is Grace. She offered up a lot of good advice on living out of your vehicle, such as always be humble towards the police and just explain that you are going through hard times and are in between places. I’d like to think I’ve always respected officers of the law, I may not agree with all of the laws, but the officers are there for a reason, they aren’t the enemy. Grace also told me to watch who I associate with and not to spend time with unsavory characters, as their karma becomes yours very quickly, this should be easy because I feel like I can read people quite well, better than I’d like to be able to some times. Grace sent me off with a hug and a warm goodbye, and I went back to the coast. For anyone interested the place is in Ocean Beach, California, and is called The Philosophers Stone. Rad name.

I had bought this I had bought this little hand carved amethyst cat for Brandi to give her for her birthday. It’s supposed to bring emotional balance and increase creativity. But after our last few dialogues with one another I think I’m just going to keep it and put it on the dash of the van as a symbol of me exiting one phase of my life and entering another. She has her head so far up Sean’s asshole that she is almost living in a different reality now. There are a lot of things I got out of this relationship, and I hate to say it, but the heartbreak was one of the most important parts. Had that not happened I would not be doing what I am today, being free, making music, finding spirituality, and love myself.

While I was in Ocean Beach I got a new nose ring put back in as I lost mine making out with a girl at an EDM event. It was quite an exciting night, I’ve never just had a random encounter like this before where a girl approached me to dance and make out. Of course we were in altered mind sets there were a lot of things going around that party. We had some pictures taken and danced for hours having a great time. Texted back and forth a few times and then that was the end of Allison. I’ve always heard that’s how it usually goes with a rave hook-up so I had expected it, but it was an enjoyable experience! This was about two weeks ago, so my nose had closed up a bit so the piercer at Apogee in OB had to push through a post to open it back up. The hoop I chose was rather small and the poor guy struggled to get the ball on the captive hoop. His name was Luis, and he apologized over and over for making it hurt, I told him it was ok because I really didn’t mind as that is part of the process! Next thing body art wise will be a tattoo of some portrayal of the number 22 as it has been a significant number in the past few years of my life and has always kinda been my lucky number that I can recall. Any suggestions from anyone who happens thread this are welcome!

I also picked up what is called an “Oracle Deck” today at the mineral shop, it’s like a tarot deck but its more accurate from what I’ve seen already. It first called my attention because this set I particular is based around sacred geometry which I have become increasing fascinated with. Last night my friend Katie and I first tried out the deck and started with me. My reading was insanely accurate, it talked about the changes I am going through, and how I needed to be free and do something different. It talked about me exploring spirituality and what steps to take on that path, as well as the things I need to do in order for me to maintain a healthy emotional balance. Katie also said that her reading was able to play into her life quite well for where she is at. It was quite a good night filled with card readings and conversation by candle light. The flame of a single candle is perfect for the night time in the van, it would be barely noticeable from the outside if at all, and the flame of a candle is quite calming. I also did a reading for my friend tony, and the cards were even reflecting our current conversation which was about me wanting to help him get in touch with his spiritual side again, and wanting to help him find ways to be happy that don’t involve drugs and partying. Each card we drew was saying almost exactly what I said to him. I want to do readings for everyone I know now to see how they come out! Here is a photo of the first reading.

This quest for knowledge, art, spirit, and love is going to be an exciting part of my life, and I’m happy to share it with the world.

Heart ache and new beginnings.

So after a highly emotional and stressful day I feel pretty good again. Brandi, my ex and the one who sparked most of this for me, has decided she is the kind of person that likes to be in relationships, however, just not with me. Instead she has chosen the path of fucking a coworker, who is also in a superior position, destined to fail, destined to cause her pain. I’ve also come to the realization that maybe her and I aren’t good for each other. I enjoy a planned out time and she likes to live with her head in the clouds and just cruise through life blindly. A good mix of this is always welcomed, but when someone spends their entire life in the clouds it’s pretty hard to deal with.

I had made the mistake of trying to tell her what to do instead of letting her figure it out. As anyone that isn’t me would know this doesn’t work, the result, she doesn’t want to hang out with me any more. I had also asked about sex as friends and she said no, because of Sean, which is totally fine! But when he found out we were hanging out he got all pouty like a little fucking bitch and guilted her into not hanging out with me. He said it makes him crazy that she hangs out with me, well fuck you buddy cause all this has put more suicidal thoughts in my head than anything I’ve been through. Nothing I would act on, but just the thoughts alone are hard simply because I have a very vivid imagination and when the thoughts enter they also come with a film reel of me acting it out in my head. She said she cares about me greatly, I don’t believe it.

Part of what has made it so frustrating has been the fact that I know exactly what kind of person this guy is and he is most definitely going to hurt the sweetest person on the planet. With her trusting heart and naivety she has been sucked in to a new world of baristas and bad decisions.

But now on to new beginnings, tonight I have a date planned with a really nice girl, her name is Katie and she is a Gemini, which is supposedly very comparable with my Aries heart. Not that I am looking into jumping in to anything but it will be nice to see how the stars play this one out.

A couple nights back I hung out with my friend Valerie, this was also exciting as she is into some cool spiritual things I’ve not been aware of. She did a number reading based off my name and birthdate, it was surprisingly accurate and really entertaining. Now in return I showed her how to do her natal chart which she appreciated quite a bit!

Yesterday was a great day down in Ocean Beach with my friend David aka Finn. We arrived and found that the farmers market was happening, I always seem to catch this thing and I’m always glad I did. So much good food with all kinds of treats and trinkets mixed in. As we walked around trying to decide what we were going to indulge in we came across a fruit stand with the most beautiful strawberries I’ve probably ever seen. We picked up a basket of strawberries as well as a container of raspberries to much on while we explored. Ocean Beach has a really eclectic mix of people who reside and travel through there. Sometimes you feel like you are on an island of pirates who retired from pirating to settle down on this little peninsula. You have artists, hippies, punks, stoners, tripper, homeless, travelers, and free spirits. I have never had a unpleasant experience while exploring OB. After some people watching we were lured in by boba drinks and ginger chicken wi rice and Thai curry sauce on top. We got our food and took it to the wall for eating. The wall is a divider that separates the beach from the board walk, and usually on the wall you’ll find a mix of people playing music, selling drugs, and just enjoying the sights and sunsets.
Below is an image from the wall.

After we ate we took off to explore the rocks and tide pools on the short walk from the wall to the spot we were offered weed twice, but we had out own, smelled good though! The tide pools offered up a lot of interesting things, little fish, crabs, sea snails, mussels and sea anemones. The rocks are covered in people’s names, hearts, and other carvings. Finn and I started debating how many of those couples were still together, I said I hoped none of them were because I was in a shitty mood. In reality I hope they are all happy, I just am put off by happy couples right now. As we walked the waves were crashing and shooting water spouts up into the air when they hit the rocks.
Here I am staring into the ocean as some waves crash.

We also came across this girl who’s name I can not recall.. But she was praying and meditating with the help of this bowl that she ran a wand around to cause it to sing. The sound drew me in and as soon as she wasn’t meditating any longer I went to ask about it and where to find one. Apparently you can get them many places, but if you want a specific sound you need to bring a tuning fork. Once I find one I’ll post about it, but she taught me how to use it and it was quite relaxing which is great because it’s made to relieve stress. On our way back from this we walked through the farmers market once again and this time on the way through some art caught my eyes. There was a gentleman named Dillon there selling his art, pieces of sacred geometry. This was really exciting as I have been waiting to get more information on these symbols as I have started creating them as well. His were perfect though, I could tell through what he said and the quality of his art that he know what he was talking about. So I asked where I could find more information and he gave me a couple people to look up, Drunvalo Melchizedek and Robert Lawlor. I am excited to see what new things I pick up from these two.

Today is going to consist of making a run to the mineral shop to get a hold of some things I’ve been waiting for. Going to play some guitar for sure, and I have my date tonight! Today should be a fun day. Today ill leave you off with a shot I got of Finn with the sunset. Off for more journeys!

Four and a half years…

So after an amazing four and and a half years of enjoying one another, growing together, learning together, fighting together, loving together, and most of all becoming best friends. Which was followed by the most painful breakup I have ever been through, I have lost that best friend. We had broken up and everything was fine until I realized that everything I thought I wanted, meeting new people, random encounters, hookups, all the single life bullshit. Once this happened I came rushing back full force! I wanted her back SO badly that I tried to force it to happen which in turn pushed her further away because I was acting crazy. In doing this she got closer with her new man, which made me go crazier trying and pushing, which resulted in us not hanging out at all. During this time they grew close, and they are now with one another, as a result of my actions. Now, we can’t even hang out as friends, he won, he got her.

Looking back I am sure that if I would have just played it smooth and kept my cool that things would probably have turned out quite different, sadly that wasn’t the case. And now once again I have to live with the consequences of my actions and accept the loss of the greatest thing I’ve ever had. She has set the bar pretty high for the next one, the shoes are going to be quite hard to fill. The major lesson I get out if this is to not force anything, let thing occur naturally, if I had I feel I would be writing a very different blog post right now.

The only person she gets advice from are people that barely know me, and obviously one of them likes her outside the lines of friendship, so anything he’s said was completely one sided.

This is a little part of my life that helped to spark the van lifestyle, so there you have it, my favorite part of life so far has been these past four years. I had everything I wanted right in front of my face and I pushed it away all by myself, I can’t believe she put up with me for so long. I can only hope now that one day something shift in the world and the universe allows me a second chance with her, till then, time to fill the hole with temporary happiness.

Sorry this one isn’t van related, but I needed to let this out somewhere.

Next post will be much more adventurous!